Poison is not-so eatable.

Being the greatest person that has ever lived, I think that I have a lot of good qualities. You might not be aware of this, but I do have some fundamental conceptual flaws. The biggest of these is that, and this is a very serious issue, I can't cook. 

I don't mean this statement in any sort of cute or silly way. I CAN'T COOK. Most days I cannot even make cereal right. It's either way too milky, or way too soggy, or something of the sort. This makes mornings difficult.

There is a very serious problem that occurs almost every time that I try to cook. Sometimes things that I cook can not be eaten. It's not that it's bad tasting or even boring food, it's that it is probably poisonous. This may sound like an exaggeration, but I honestly I am not entirely sure how I am alive right now. Here's what happened to me this week:

Living on campus is super awesome for about a million reasons. For someone who cannot cook, such as I, the the ability to eat at the most amazing college cafeteria in the universe is one of them. So, from seven to seven monday through friday my problems are solved.

Unfortunately there is a drawback here. Sometimes, being the professional and awesome college student that I am, I find myself doing an essay in the middle of the night on the morning that that same essay is due. Then, I have a realization.

I have not had dinner an I am hungry.

This last week I found myself in such a circumstance. I raid my apartment refrigerator for something that is eatable, and find it- cheese.

Cheese is awesome. I can cook cheese. Chips with cheese on them, bread with cheese on it, cheese by itself in the microwave. Obviously with this reasoning I will never go hungry again. 

Anyway, I decide to make a tortilla with cheese on it, sophisticated people may call this a quesadilla- whatever. My plan would be perfect if i was not missing something essential- butter. I have no butter, no pam, nothing. I decide to steal some oil from my roommate. 

One of my roommates is Hawaiian. When I saw this particular oil I assumed that Hawaiian people used this super special oil for their super awesome Hawaiian food.  Anyway, it was lemon oil. 

Not wanting my roommate to notice that i "borrowed" from her I tried to use as little oil as was necessary for my super awesome meal. I made my quesadilla and it looked awesome.

It did not taste awesome, however. In fact, this was without a doubt the worst quesadilla that I had ever tasted in my life. I threw the rest away and went to bed feeling defeated.

A few days passed and I had completely forgotten about the worlds worst quesadilla when i saw one of my other roommates cleaning our wood cabinets- with lemon oil.

I ATE PINE- SOL.

I am not dead, and I do not think I am retarded. But until I can fix this cooking issue I am changing my eating patterns to strictly fit the cafeteria schedule. Either that or I am ordering a lot of take-out.